Tragic Tuesday-induced feelings

I knew, we all knew, that this year was going to be difficult, to say the least. I expect the load, the stress. It's a "level up," as they say.

But this, this right now is not just a "level" up. This is a whole new different game, a different system, a different wold.

Sometimes I'm not sure what the aim is: to learn, or to get the necessary grades. I wonder: are we still concerned with standards here, or is this just a purge? A cleansing of the unwanted, the unsightly? Do we even know who we are and what we want?

To survive does not simply mean to study hard anymore. It now means dodging twice more bullets aimed at you with the goal of shooting you out of this place. No, you cannot simply study: you must be wary, you must be vigilant, or else you might be suddenly hit with something, an ambiguity, and it will always be against you. And then you find yourself thrown out.

Nevertheless, it is in times like these that I realize the great comfort family is and the great Rock my God is, and will always be. 

I will persevere. Whatever happens, I will never allow myself to walk away, whether in defeat or in victory, without the knowledge that I gave it my best, my all.

2NE1

I wasn't able to post a blog entry in weeks, and during that time, a very important event has occurred.

No, it does not have anything to do with politics, or with the stars. In fact, it just concerns me.

You see, last February 17, I turned 21. Yes. Twennyone. 


While that event may not move mountains or realign the planets, it does have quite an impact on me. Well, duh, I'm the one who celebrated a birthday, for crying out loud. And it's not just any birthday. It's my 21st.


I'm really an adult now. A legal adult pretty much all over the world. That is not something to be easily ignored. It's quite scary, in fact. I loved being 17 before; I can do a lot of things I want, but without the accountability and responsibility that comes with being 18, much less being 21.


But with all the hullabaloo that I'm giving this alleged turning point in my life, my birthday passed by rather inconspicuously. Is this how adulthood is supposed to be? No more colorful birthday parties, balloons, and all that jazz?

Okay, so maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. Again. My birthday is to use my own word, quite "chill", but that's not to say it wasn't special (and I'm confusing myself with the double negative). That's not really surprising, since my birthday is usually right in the thick of school stuff (I think in high school my birthday usually falls on exam week or somewhere near there, which makes it a really hectic period).  So, without further ado, let me share some stuff about what transpired during my birthday, which, coincidentally, is also Random Acts of Kindness Day (according to my Journal, that is).


It's been over a week since this happened, so I don't quite know how I'll go about this...let's see...

1. School


Ah, yes. Unfortunately, the rest of the world is not gonna stop moving just because it's my birthday. Therefore, I have to go to school. But of course the good thing about that is I have my blockmates with me all day. And that's something I'm thankful for.

And even then, I consider myself having a birthday treat, because a professor I dread seeing that day (given that I wasn't able to study the materials for his class) did not ask for a recitation! In fact, we spent his class listening to interesting tales about school, work, and life. It was really a treat. (I think some of my classmates fell in love with him that day. I was just happy to have enjoyed that meeting so much.)

2. Blockmates

Ah, yes. I don't know how I could have endured the schoolday aka my birthday if it weren't for my lovely blockmates who were there with me throughout most of the day, singing birthday songs whenever possible. Somehow, through all the hell months, days, weeks, hours, minutes, and seconds (yes law school can be that agonizing) these people have wormed their way into my heart. And I thought I'd never get along with anyone! Okay, I'm being too mushy now, I love you guys (not that you'll read this), and let's end this at that. Dlock D is the dest! <3

3. Fantastic Four ++


Ah, well...when I said I thought I'd never get along with anyone, I wasn't kidding. Which is why I stuck like glue to the people I sat with during the first day of class. Luckily for me, we clicked together, and have been awesomesauce friends/rowmates ever since. And of course, I can't forget the panda and the tycoon/"hero" who are always so generous to me. And to someone so fluffy I'm gonna die who took pictures of my special day. I'm not naming names because I don't know how you'd feel being blogged about like this, but thanks. Thank you for the cake, for the gifts, for the effort, for taking pictures, for going out of your way to make me feel special. I love you guys!

Thanks, for the cake, friends!

And thanks for helping me eat it too! XD

A really, really cute edition my blockmate gave me! <3

Another book! And it has an awesome cover! So happy~

I have such awesome friends. <3

4. Facebook Messages


For being quite cut off from the rest of the world on my birthday, I received a lot of love over on Facebook. Close friends, friends, acquaintances, people from the past, people I'm not even sure I know, have left me greetings from the time Facebook announced my birthday, and even for a few days after. And as much as I got a bit tired of saying thank you in different forms and languages and emoticons as I replied, know that I am very touched to see all of those messages. And I know that sometimes I don't even greet people whose birthdays I see on Facebook, so really, thanks guys!

5. Rock N' Roll Birthday Treat!


Yes, I'm pretending that Never Shout Never, The Maine, and We The Kings performed in Trinoma on February 17 because it's my birthday. Hahaha. But still, it was a really nice surprise to find out that they were performing on my birthday! Especially since I just discovered and learned to love Never Shout Never's music and I have always loved We The Kings' Stay Young and Check Yes Juliet. So I was really happy, even if it wasn't under the ideal circumstances (I didn't get to have a ticket because I had class the day tickets were given out and so I was really far from the stage), that I got to hear a) their music, and b) hear it live. 


For this, dear panda, thank you. :)

6. Family


I did not see my mom, my dad, or my little brother at all during my birthday (in fact, as of press time, I still haven't. Especially my dad, who's not really in the country right now.). Still, this doesn't mean that I didn't feel their love for me. And I had my wonderful aunt with me, so I'm really thankful.

Days before my actual birthday, my dad called me a few times, reminiscing on the events that were supposedly happening at that time before my birth. Thinking about it now, I don't know if I want to laugh or cry at the sappiness of it all. My father has done so much for me, that whenever I think about it, I get the strength to trudge onwards despite the difficulty.

My mother called me on my birthday, and she has always been so good to me. And scary, too. Still, I'm thankful to have such a strong and cheerful mother in my life. She's really a force to be reckoned with. Aaaand, they had food for the family back in Cavite! How crazy is that! I wasn't even there! XD

And, miracle of all miracles, my brother texted me a happy birthday! You know how growing boys would be anywhere but near their mothers and sisters? Yeah, he's in that phase. So you can see how this message means a lot to me. Even if he asked for his long overdue gift at the end of it.

And of course, my aunt, who has been with me throughout all these years, despite me being the brat that I am.   She made me fruit salad for my birthday! I'm so happy. And I've yet to take her out on that birthday date we're supposed to have.

I'm just so blessed to have these people in my life.

And so...

That pretty much sums it up, actually. This is like the extended version. And this is my thanks.

Now, onwards we go...

The Week That Was

I have no idea what to write about tonight. I was not able to think much on what I could write about, unlike last week. And I am not really feeling at my best tonight, what with everything that has happened this week.

During my college days, we'd have what we call "hell week(s)." Not that it doesn't apply to me anymore, because, if anything, it got even worse, with every single day being a challenge. So I would probably just say that it has now been taken to a whole new level, and the hell week I used to have in college is just an ordinary week here in law school. Or something even worse.

Then again, at some point you settle into a routine or something of the sort, and after that you get to distinguish certain points in time where things look to be worse than the ordinary week you go through.

This is one of those weeks.

I had my midterms in one of my subjects yesterday, and it had a lot of effect on the past week. With the tension starting to run high, a week that started out with happy surprises eventually went downhill. Really down the hill. At some point, relationships got strained, and people (including me, especially me), became on edge. And then the suspense was broken, which was, in a way, a relief in itself, but then it puts you face-to-face with a very ugly reality: the oh-so-possible chance of failing. Afterwards, it was just very tiring. Even now, I feel so fatigued.

And of course, there are those sad events and moments that are just...sad.

I wish I could write something upbeat and fun and random right now. But with everything that I went through and  felt this week, I just could not find it in me. Maybe next time.

My first hell week of 2011. Hello there.

I'm off to find something fun and silly to do, and maybe next time I'll write about better, happier, and sillier things.

At any rate, I hope you had a fun week. To better weeks, and to beating all those hellish ones. Fight!

The Potency of Words

Sole. Shall. May. Involving. Either-or.

What are these random words, you may ask?

Well, these random words have enough power to make or break someone's life, determine someone's fate, and drive an innocent student like me crazy.

Being a graduate of a degree in organizational communication, I already have an idea of the power words have. Words can convey a variety of different meanings, which can influence people in different ways. Words, when used properly, can have a really profound effect.

Still, sometimes you think you know something, but really, you don't.

During undergrad, whenever I used to recite, even if I don't have a shred of idea of what the topic really is about, a little bit of common sense and listening to the discussion are enough to get me by, and get me by with flying colors at that.

However, it's not so simple anymore.

Substitute may for shall? You're turning something mandatory into something permissive. Omit the word equally? You won't progress in your discussion. Don't know the possible meanings of the word sole when placed beside the word judge? Someone might just lose his case. Can't defend the proper use of either and or? A community might just lose its land. And a law student might just about go crazy reading 400++ pages worth of arguments.

Whenever we start our morning worship service in church, the different classes in our Sunday School will shout out different short statements that sum up their lesson for that day. Something like a motto for the day. We call it our "word power."

Indeed, words are very powerful.

Jinx and Realizations

This always happens. I say I'm back, then I disappear right after. I write in my diary that I think I finally can be consistent in my entries, and then I forget writing for a year. It's as if I jinx myself. Actually, maybe I do?

So perhaps I should give a little explanation as to where I went after I've said my thanks and that I've finally finished my undergraduate degree. Emphasis on finishing my thesis, because I really don't understand sometimes how I was able to do it, especially now that I look back on it.

But that's not the point. The point is that, it's done, right? I'm supposed to have a lot of time in my hands now. Or at least be able to focus more on this blog now, and maybe have a job or other exploits that I can talk about. But I was completely silent. And well, other than laziness (which is a big factor), there is actually a reason.

The thing is, I'm studying. Yes, I'm still studying. Or maybe, I'm studying again. But the point is, I'm studying!

What in the world-?!

Yes. That's quite my sentiment too.

But the fact is, to a certain extent, I'm actually having fun. But don't misunderstand me. This is one hell of a challenge. A level up, let's say. Old habits are not welcome anymore; new ones are needed, or else you'll never survive. The feeling right now is as if everyday is examination day. And I'm thinking, if that's how a regular class day is, what on earth will the actual exam day look like?!!

Anyway. Now that I've established what has been happening in my life, maybe I could go on to some effects this "level-up studying" has on me so far. Actually, I just want to enumerate some of the things that have taken on a different value for me ever since I started this postgraduate activity.

1. Sleep.

I have known the value of sleep ever since my thesis-making days/nights (Why do those days seem so far away? Barely a year has passed!). But even then, I was still able to sleep for as long as more than ten hours after I pull an all-nighter for a project or for my thesis. After graduation, sucky internet connection has turned me into a nocturnal, with weird sleeping habits, or just a weird body clock. But if you count the hours of sleep that I get, it's still quite a lot.

But now? Sleeping for 8 hours straight is a sin, and falling asleep when you're not supposed to, even if it's for just around 2 hours, induces guilt. Now, sleep has taken on a different meaning: a) it's the enemy, and b) it's a precious, precious thing. Oh how I miss having the freedom to sleep when and for how long as I want to.

2. Time

This is quite connected to sleep, but it is so much more than that. During undergrad, time was just...time. Sometimes I'd go to school, and go back home feeling as if nothing really happened, and I just passed time sitting in class, listening to the lecture. Some days I feel as if I just let time pass.

Now, time matters. A lot. Two hours, which felt like, well, two hours, before, can now feel like forever. That is especially true when you're on your feet, hoping and praying that your recitation ends (and that somehow you still get a decent grade no matter how poor your answers seem to be). Nine hours can seem so short when you have a mountain of readings to study.

And, even one day can feel like heaven if you get to rest and enjoy yourself without feeling guilty about it.

In short, now, I don't just let time pass. I actually experience its passing. In the good and the bad way.

3. Leisure reading

Oh, how I miss the days where I can choose what I want to read it and read in a way that I want to. In one night, or maybe take it slow if I want to do so. I was actually building up my list of stuff to read by the time summer vacation was ending.

Now, however, I have a growing mountain of readings. I have no choice but to read them, and I have to read them ASAP. Not doing so has consequences (consequences that I have already experienced). I'm not saying that I don't like what I read now, in fact, they're very interesting, but now, I can't afford to just read. I have to read critically, more than I have ever done before. Because in the future, it can really be a matter of life or death. That's not even a joke.

4.Opportunity

There are things that you just realize, whether you want to or not, whether it happens on your own or not. I know that maybe there is someone out there who's better off in my position, and yet this is how things happened. It's really an eye-opener, and gives a whole new meaning to why I'm here and what I'm supposed to do.

5. Society

I mean this in the "friends and family" way. Studying like this entails being a hermit of sorts, and the effect is that sometimes I just thirst for some good old chat with friends. This is something that might be taken for granted on a regular day, but it really is something to value.


6. Study habits

Do I really have to explain this?


Change, from what I've heard, is really a scary  and uncomfortable thing. And yes, it is quite scary. And uncomfortable. This new venture is also very tiring, and has lots of implications. It's time to get really serious, no matter how difficult it is. Still, change can be good, especially if it is not simply about learning something new, but actually getting a new perspective, and forming and reinforcing a lot of values.

Hopefully, I don't jinx my first semester. Fight!

P.S. Do you like Scribbles' new look? ;)

Hello, World!

I'm back for real!!! Well isn't that nice?

My thesis experience is something that I don't want to talk about, but I'm just happy for the fact that now, I'm actually doing stuff that is school-, but not acad-related. And I'm actually graduating. No kidding!

Honestly, this is something I cannot see say three months, or even 2 weeks ago. I probably would have cried (or come close to it, or became really depressed), if I tried to imagine myself in this day, since it would have been really impossible. That's how precarious my situation was. Ah, the past tense never looked so good.

Before, my greatest worry was finishing my thesis and getting enough credits to graduate on time. Now, my biggest dilemma is finding a dress to wear for my graduation. God is so good.

So, I have a feeling they won't be reading this anyway, since I don't know if this blog is known, but I'm really thankful to everyone who helped me during this last and final stretch of my college life.

God is really great and merciful. He never let me down, even though I'm weak.

My parents are the best, most supportive parents ever. I'm such a spoiled kid.

I have wonderful aunts and cousins.

I have awesome and really intelligent friends, they can even be my thesis advisers.

I am blessed to have my professors.

I am one tired but thankful kid.

Thank you Lord.

Frozen Near the Finish Line

I'd like to think of myself as a good student. Ever since I was a kid, I was very focused on my studying. I'm not saying that I have the best study habits or that I allot certain number of hours to read, review, or what not. What I mean is that it has always been a priority for me. It was, and still is, a very central part of me.Even though I play around, I always end up making sure that I prepare myself well for exams, and that I have good grades, at the end of it all.

Come high school, I immersed myself in extracurricular activities. I was the type of person who would have joined all possible organizations if it was physically possible (which, of course, it was not). I enjoyed myself, and even though I still don't have those perfect study habits, I still fared well. However, by the time high school ended, I was really tired. All those extracurricular activities and studying pushed me to the point where I just wanted to rest. And that's what I did the summer after graduation.

I told myself, upon entering college, that I won't join any organizations, and will just live the simple college life by focusing only on academics and life, and no more extracurriculars. Unfortunately, the small, 'responsible' part of me thought that it organizations in college are far more important than those joined in high school, as they weigh more on a person's resume. High school orgs are about exploring your passions; college orgs are about exploring your passions, and getting relevant experience.

I'm not gonna say it was a bad decision, but it did start up the buildup that might be the reason for this blog post right now. At this point, my idea of not joining any organization has turned into my membership in three school organizations. I don't regret joining these organizations, as they have been very helpful to me. Nevertheless, it added to my stress and some even affected my self-esteem, and left me with emotional scars that I would reflect upon someday when I have the liberty to do so. Add to this all my academics, and here is where I am now.

I am the type of student who always tries to give her best effort, no matter how futile it seems, no matter how disillusioned or discouraged I feel. And right now, I think I'm at my breaking point. I remember vaguely in one of the books I read how the most difficult part in achieving your dreams is when you're at the point where you can almost reach it. Well, finishing my studies is a dream of mine for myself, and for my parents, and I'm almost there.

Which means I'm deadly terrified and unsure of where I am right now.

All my academic insecurities, the expectations, the years of stress and effort, my procrastination, my laziness, my repression of unpleasant stuff, they are all piling up on me. I smile every day and downplay how I feel, what I think, but the truth is I'm so damn terrified that I just freeze.

And I don't even know why I'm writing this or what the point of this entry is.

I guess I just feel like I have been so good (fine, relatively) all this years, and it's really a big burden on my back. I want to finish this, once and for all.

I want someone to encourage me, but I'm ashamed of my state right now. I want advice, but is scared to show what I have.

I just want to graduate on time, and make my parents proud, and set a good example for my brother.

I want to stop being scared.

I want to move.

Blurb: Name

I simply suck at thinking up topics and titles and names. Boo me.

Sick

That's right. I'm sick. If it weren't so annoying, I would have been amazed.

I'm not the healthiest person around (take one look at me and you'll go "hell yeah you aren't!"), and my skinny butt is a testament to that. However, I would like to think that my immune system is in the right place, because I don't really get sick that much. I might get colds, but I survive without having to take medicines, or miss class. I just become this really annoying girl who has one roll of tissue with her and blows her nose frequently.

However, this time, I really felt bad. First, my throat gets all sore. I thought it was just because I always sleep with the electric fan on and directed at me-which of course, will cause some kind of dryness in my throat over the course of the night. By the end of the day, I was hoping it was just that.

Okay, you just hope for the best. But you should expect the worst.

And the sore throat belonged to the worse  scenario. The next day, I already had a cold. Which I could have endured, really, it would just be the annoying case I mentioned above. However, I really felt bad, to the point that I thought I'd have a fever-now that would be something new. I can't remember the last time I had a fever. Kinda scary, if you think about it.

Good thing was, my immune system was still in a sort-of-proper place. I didn't have a fever, although I did get a cough the following day. That was when I was taken to the doctor for a check-up. That is also something that doesn't happen frequently. Wow. One of the annoying things brought about by this illness I have-the hassle of going to a doctor, with all the forms to fill up and stuff like that.

And don't get me started on the medicines. I have three different medicines-and I didn't even have a fever! But my throat is swollen, according to the doctor...so there. I've never been good at taking medicines (when I was a kid, if you're going to make me drink cough syrup, you have to chase me around the house-and catch me-first), and I'd like to think it's related to that properly placed immune system. But at least I don't choke on my medicines now. It just sucks a bit being teased by your younger brother that you don't know how to take medicine. Boo.

And the worst part? I still go to my classes! I missed one deadline, and this 'sick' status of mine isn't even a valid reason to not get a deduction! Life is a bitch. So cruel.

So, basically, I get all the downsides of getting sick, without getting the perks. Boo me, and my sense of duty in attending classes. Oh well. I just took everything out in what I just recently called "internet therapy." Yeah, I'm still sick and I just surfed the net to oblivion. I may be relying a little too heavily on that immune system.

And with that, I shall sleep. Hopefully, I'll get better in a jiffy and I'll be posting more sensible stuff here soon.

When was the last time you got sick?

An Aching Neck and Stiff Fingers...

...are what you get when you cram your requirements for a major entrance exam that you really didn't think about and then purchasing a reviewer less than a week before and attempting to read it the night before the exam. Then you go to the exam without eating lunch, did not even take a mock exam or prepare yourself for shading more than a hundred circles and thinking and reasoning for four grueling hours.

Even now, as you type, the fingers in your right hand hurt along with your neck, and you wish that at least something good will come out of this pain, whether it be acceptance or rejection, so long as you get the direction you need and want. That's what it is for, after all.