If Anyone's Reading This...

...I'm still alive, if you're wondering. It's just that, it's FINALS week(s) and law school is just such a killer. Everything is just hitting the fan and it's all overwhelming, and I just want to survive.

So if you, by any speck of a chance, are interested in reading this blog, then I apologize for suddenly disappearing. I'll be back, I promise (to you, to myself).

I have so much to say, but there's so much to do too! Darn.

Fight!

Impoverished Bookworm

I love books. Really. I don't know when it started, but ever since I was young, I enjoyed reading. I love imagining the things I read about, which is probably why even now I'm still partial to the fantasy genre. It's a bit escapist, but hey, to each his/her own, right?

One would think that with me being a booklover and a voracious reader ever since childhood, I would have a lot of books. Unfortunately, that is not the case. I went to a classmate's house once, a classmate who I know has interests in art and what not, but not that much in reading. However, when I looked around their living area, I saw books--a whole lot of them. Cue envy.

Well, the answer's simple, right? If you want books so badly, go buy them. However, I didn't grow up that way.

When I was younger, I wanted a lot of things, books included. My striking memory regarding that matter, though, was my mom asking me if the books I wanted to buy were relevant for school. And since they were pretty much fiction books that have no direct relevance to my schoolwork, I said no, and then that's that. No books. Hence, I grew up only asking for things when I have a good argument regarding their necessity. When I asked my dad to give me a laptop when I graduated from high school, I emailed him about it and cited my academic achievement plus the fact that it would be necessary for schoolwork as grounds for him to get me the said gadget.

I've only recently learned (and by recently, I meant sometime during college) that I can actually ask for something just because I want to, and nobody will give me hell about it. Unless it's completely ridiculous, of course.

So, the problem should be solved by now, right? I can just ask for books. The thing is, the realization that I can ask for stuff I want came when I actually have the capacity and should learn how to budget, and do certain things independently and responsibly. That includes my hobbies, unfortunately. That's a shame, since I think I would have quite the collection by now if I was more of a spoiled brat (more than I am already) back then. But that's in the past already.

Now, the problem is that I'm a college student who has a lot of requirements that entail spending money (readings and a whole lot more) and who is more aware regarding difficulties in earning money and the ailing economy. Which means I can't be oblivious to the fact that we have a lot of necessities to spend on, unlike the younger me, who can claim innocence. Oh, the joys of childhood.

This brings us back to the title of this entry, which is also a description of me: an impoverished bookworm. I think it is quite a tragedy that you have this craving for books, and it's actually a good thing, since it helps with your intellect and what not, and yet not have the money to indulge. And there are those who have the money, yet spend it on vile vices. The cruelty of it all!

On the brighter side (yes there is one), I suppose it is better for me not to have that big collection of books right now. Especially since I don't have a proper place where to put those books. Some books that I have bought so far are actually misplaced. Dear me, why is our house so miniscule! And so disorganized, too. I really hope that in the future, I get to have a pretty house with my very own library. That is a part of my happy dream.

At the end of the day, I'm still a bookworm. I'm not gonna stop reading. And I'm gonna buy those books someday!

Well, how about you? Is there a hobby you're frustrated about but can't indulge in because of economic constraints?

Frozen Near the Finish Line

I'd like to think of myself as a good student. Ever since I was a kid, I was very focused on my studying. I'm not saying that I have the best study habits or that I allot certain number of hours to read, review, or what not. What I mean is that it has always been a priority for me. It was, and still is, a very central part of me.Even though I play around, I always end up making sure that I prepare myself well for exams, and that I have good grades, at the end of it all.

Come high school, I immersed myself in extracurricular activities. I was the type of person who would have joined all possible organizations if it was physically possible (which, of course, it was not). I enjoyed myself, and even though I still don't have those perfect study habits, I still fared well. However, by the time high school ended, I was really tired. All those extracurricular activities and studying pushed me to the point where I just wanted to rest. And that's what I did the summer after graduation.

I told myself, upon entering college, that I won't join any organizations, and will just live the simple college life by focusing only on academics and life, and no more extracurriculars. Unfortunately, the small, 'responsible' part of me thought that it organizations in college are far more important than those joined in high school, as they weigh more on a person's resume. High school orgs are about exploring your passions; college orgs are about exploring your passions, and getting relevant experience.

I'm not gonna say it was a bad decision, but it did start up the buildup that might be the reason for this blog post right now. At this point, my idea of not joining any organization has turned into my membership in three school organizations. I don't regret joining these organizations, as they have been very helpful to me. Nevertheless, it added to my stress and some even affected my self-esteem, and left me with emotional scars that I would reflect upon someday when I have the liberty to do so. Add to this all my academics, and here is where I am now.

I am the type of student who always tries to give her best effort, no matter how futile it seems, no matter how disillusioned or discouraged I feel. And right now, I think I'm at my breaking point. I remember vaguely in one of the books I read how the most difficult part in achieving your dreams is when you're at the point where you can almost reach it. Well, finishing my studies is a dream of mine for myself, and for my parents, and I'm almost there.

Which means I'm deadly terrified and unsure of where I am right now.

All my academic insecurities, the expectations, the years of stress and effort, my procrastination, my laziness, my repression of unpleasant stuff, they are all piling up on me. I smile every day and downplay how I feel, what I think, but the truth is I'm so damn terrified that I just freeze.

And I don't even know why I'm writing this or what the point of this entry is.

I guess I just feel like I have been so good (fine, relatively) all this years, and it's really a big burden on my back. I want to finish this, once and for all.

I want someone to encourage me, but I'm ashamed of my state right now. I want advice, but is scared to show what I have.

I just want to graduate on time, and make my parents proud, and set a good example for my brother.

I want to stop being scared.

I want to move.

Simmering Fear

Finishing something that you really worked hard to create has its own feeling of euphoria. However, when it is subject to the scrutiny of the whole world, and I really mean the whole world, it kind of takes on a whole new different meaning.

It feels as if finishing your work isn't the end, but just the beginning. It's not the part where you should relax; it's where the tension begins. Because with waiting comes that steady beating of your heart that occasionally jumps when you see the numbers changing, and your breath is suspended because you are trying to anticipate whatever will be said about your work so that you won't be too sad when it turns out to be bad.

Still, when you do see it, you start thinking that maybe you'll never really get to where you want to be and it was all for nothing.

A war then begins in your head, as another voice enters and say that it's just the beginning, not the end; you don't give up after seeing something that's just like a drop of water in a potential waterfall of success.

But the other part, which you usually listen to, say that would you want to see more of that indifference? Would you risk yourself for that?

And you, you just sit there, and wait; because no matter what they say, it's already there, and the question is not about stopping; it's about how you will deal with it. Stopping is already out of the question.

Still, you wonder: Will you make it?