I'd like to think of myself as a good student. Ever since I was a kid, I was very focused on my studying. I'm not saying that I have the best study habits or that I allot certain number of hours to read, review, or what not. What I mean is that it has always been a priority for me. It was, and still is, a very central part of me.Even though I play around, I always end up making sure that I prepare myself well for exams, and that I have good grades, at the end of it all.
Come high school, I immersed myself in extracurricular activities. I was the type of person who would have joined all possible organizations if it was physically possible (which, of course, it was not). I enjoyed myself, and even though I still don't have those perfect study habits, I still fared well. However, by the time high school ended, I was really tired. All those extracurricular activities and studying pushed me to the point where I just wanted to rest. And that's what I did the summer after graduation.
I told myself, upon entering college, that I won't join any organizations, and will just live the simple college life by focusing only on academics and life, and no more extracurriculars. Unfortunately, the small, 'responsible' part of me thought that it organizations in college are far more important than those joined in high school, as they weigh more on a person's resume. High school orgs are about exploring your passions; college orgs are about exploring your passions, and getting relevant experience.
I'm not gonna say it was a bad decision, but it did start up the buildup that might be the reason for this blog post right now. At this point, my idea of not joining any organization has turned into my membership in three school organizations. I don't regret joining these organizations, as they have been very helpful to me. Nevertheless, it added to my stress and some even affected my self-esteem, and left me with emotional scars that I would reflect upon someday when I have the liberty to do so. Add to this all my academics, and here is where I am now.
I am the type of student who always tries to give her best effort, no matter how futile it seems, no matter how disillusioned or discouraged I feel. And right now, I think I'm at my breaking point. I remember vaguely in one of the books I read how the most difficult part in achieving your dreams is when you're at the point where you can almost reach it. Well, finishing my studies is a dream of mine for myself, and for my parents, and I'm almost there.
Which means I'm deadly terrified and unsure of where I am right now.
All my academic insecurities, the expectations, the years of stress and effort, my procrastination, my laziness, my repression of unpleasant stuff, they are all piling up on me. I smile every day and downplay how I feel, what I think, but the truth is I'm so damn terrified that I just freeze.
And I don't even know why I'm writing this or what the point of this entry is.
I guess I just feel like I have been so good (fine, relatively) all this years, and it's really a big burden on my back. I want to finish this, once and for all.
I want someone to encourage me, but I'm ashamed of my state right now. I want advice, but is scared to show what I have.
I just want to graduate on time, and make my parents proud, and set a good example for my brother.
I want to stop being scared.
I want to move.
No comments:
Post a Comment