Jinx and Realizations

This always happens. I say I'm back, then I disappear right after. I write in my diary that I think I finally can be consistent in my entries, and then I forget writing for a year. It's as if I jinx myself. Actually, maybe I do?

So perhaps I should give a little explanation as to where I went after I've said my thanks and that I've finally finished my undergraduate degree. Emphasis on finishing my thesis, because I really don't understand sometimes how I was able to do it, especially now that I look back on it.

But that's not the point. The point is that, it's done, right? I'm supposed to have a lot of time in my hands now. Or at least be able to focus more on this blog now, and maybe have a job or other exploits that I can talk about. But I was completely silent. And well, other than laziness (which is a big factor), there is actually a reason.

The thing is, I'm studying. Yes, I'm still studying. Or maybe, I'm studying again. But the point is, I'm studying!

What in the world-?!

Yes. That's quite my sentiment too.

But the fact is, to a certain extent, I'm actually having fun. But don't misunderstand me. This is one hell of a challenge. A level up, let's say. Old habits are not welcome anymore; new ones are needed, or else you'll never survive. The feeling right now is as if everyday is examination day. And I'm thinking, if that's how a regular class day is, what on earth will the actual exam day look like?!!

Anyway. Now that I've established what has been happening in my life, maybe I could go on to some effects this "level-up studying" has on me so far. Actually, I just want to enumerate some of the things that have taken on a different value for me ever since I started this postgraduate activity.

1. Sleep.

I have known the value of sleep ever since my thesis-making days/nights (Why do those days seem so far away? Barely a year has passed!). But even then, I was still able to sleep for as long as more than ten hours after I pull an all-nighter for a project or for my thesis. After graduation, sucky internet connection has turned me into a nocturnal, with weird sleeping habits, or just a weird body clock. But if you count the hours of sleep that I get, it's still quite a lot.

But now? Sleeping for 8 hours straight is a sin, and falling asleep when you're not supposed to, even if it's for just around 2 hours, induces guilt. Now, sleep has taken on a different meaning: a) it's the enemy, and b) it's a precious, precious thing. Oh how I miss having the freedom to sleep when and for how long as I want to.

2. Time

This is quite connected to sleep, but it is so much more than that. During undergrad, time was just...time. Sometimes I'd go to school, and go back home feeling as if nothing really happened, and I just passed time sitting in class, listening to the lecture. Some days I feel as if I just let time pass.

Now, time matters. A lot. Two hours, which felt like, well, two hours, before, can now feel like forever. That is especially true when you're on your feet, hoping and praying that your recitation ends (and that somehow you still get a decent grade no matter how poor your answers seem to be). Nine hours can seem so short when you have a mountain of readings to study.

And, even one day can feel like heaven if you get to rest and enjoy yourself without feeling guilty about it.

In short, now, I don't just let time pass. I actually experience its passing. In the good and the bad way.

3. Leisure reading

Oh, how I miss the days where I can choose what I want to read it and read in a way that I want to. In one night, or maybe take it slow if I want to do so. I was actually building up my list of stuff to read by the time summer vacation was ending.

Now, however, I have a growing mountain of readings. I have no choice but to read them, and I have to read them ASAP. Not doing so has consequences (consequences that I have already experienced). I'm not saying that I don't like what I read now, in fact, they're very interesting, but now, I can't afford to just read. I have to read critically, more than I have ever done before. Because in the future, it can really be a matter of life or death. That's not even a joke.

4.Opportunity

There are things that you just realize, whether you want to or not, whether it happens on your own or not. I know that maybe there is someone out there who's better off in my position, and yet this is how things happened. It's really an eye-opener, and gives a whole new meaning to why I'm here and what I'm supposed to do.

5. Society

I mean this in the "friends and family" way. Studying like this entails being a hermit of sorts, and the effect is that sometimes I just thirst for some good old chat with friends. This is something that might be taken for granted on a regular day, but it really is something to value.


6. Study habits

Do I really have to explain this?


Change, from what I've heard, is really a scary  and uncomfortable thing. And yes, it is quite scary. And uncomfortable. This new venture is also very tiring, and has lots of implications. It's time to get really serious, no matter how difficult it is. Still, change can be good, especially if it is not simply about learning something new, but actually getting a new perspective, and forming and reinforcing a lot of values.

Hopefully, I don't jinx my first semester. Fight!

P.S. Do you like Scribbles' new look? ;)